Chapter Fourteen: 'Bye-Bye, See You!'

So, the adventure of a lifetime is drawing to a close. Rounding off the victory lap and crossing the finish line of the marathon that has been this year has left me in a pensive mood. As far as celebrations go, Saturday 15th May 2016 will live long in the memory. Seeing my beloved FC Barcelona crowned champions of Spain on the final day of the Liga season, at the end of my Year Abroad is unlikely to ever be surpassed, and it's also just as inconceivable that I'll ever get such easy access onto a football pitch again.

Naturally it was a real fiesta for all supporters present: both for others of Barca persuasion, securing the first of two trophies to finish the season, (they went on to add the Spanish Cup to the cabinet a week later against, fittingly, another Andalusian side, Sevilla) and fans of Granada, celebrating maintaining their status as a top-tier La Liga side for another season. But for one supporter in the Estadio de Los Carmenes that day, it also signalled something else. It was time for me to say goodbye.

It's never easy. No matter how often you do it- and I've had plenty of practice of late- that moment when you turn your back on a person, place or thing that has been a part of your life for however long always conjures up a mix of emotions that we never manage to fully articulate. I'm not the only person I know who is experiencing this at the moment. Various friends are now celebrating the end of their university careers, and I have absolutely no idea how I will cope when the time comes for me to follow suit next year. Likewise my fellow Year Abroaders are in the process of bringing their placements to a close.

It's very difficult not to be saddled with nostalgia at the end of the academic year, and I've felt particularly reflective of late. Experiences of the various types that I have lived over the past three years have left marks on me that I won't go into here in great detail, though it also suffices to say that the past eight months in particular feel like something of a culmination. It's been a journey two years in the making, and it doesn't get any easier from here on out.

Last day with one of my favourite classes- everyone appropriately dressed to send me on my way.

I'm grateful for it all, though, every moment. I wouldn't change a thing. I always learn more about myself by responding to moments of adversity and a very distinct minority of the people I've met and challenges I've faced this year have seriously tried my patience at times. It was at these points that I have been truly forced to take a good look at myself, and ask how much I wanted to see this race through to it's very end. I reminded myself of my reasons for taking on the challenge, of all those back home supporting me, my friends and classmates who have all done wonderfully on their respective placements and how I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye if I packed it all in early. But most of all, it's been the relationships I've been incredibly fortunate to forge over the past eight months with people from all walks of life, teacher and student, both within and outside of school, that have made all the frustrations worthwhile, and are now proving the hardest to let go.

At one time or another, everyone gets a major case of 'the feels'. For me, this happened on Wednesday after my last lesson with my favourite Year 5 group (all suitably turned out for the occasion), when the mandatory music to spell the end of the lesson sounded over the PA. The song this time was 'Fix You' by Coldplay- highly appropriate. It got me thinking about all the people with whom I have crossed paths throughout the course of the last three years.

Some have become extremely close friends, others promptly drifted out of my life, through no fault of their own. A few started out as friends and went agonisingly close to becoming something even more amazing, but then things broke down, for whatever reason, leaving me endlessly questioning myself and wondering where I'd gone wrong. I've learned that some friendships aren't meant to last, but that doesn't make them any less fulfilling. There is one thing that stays with you however, and that's the emptiness and -occasionally- the pain that you feel when whatever person leaves your life. Naturally, I take the blame for a great deal of the problems I have encountered this year. It's very easy to blame others for the chip you may have on your shoulder, but I'd like to think I have the honesty, integrity and respect for others to own up and say my problems are more often than not my own making. Except not being paid for three months.

In my last blog post I touched upon my experiences of working in a bilingual primary school, and although it hasn't been the success that I hoped it would be at the outset, I've been very fortunate to have made some close friends throughout the course of my placement, and our last days together have naturally tugged at the heartstrings, although you admittedly won't catch me shedding any tears over leaving either. Naturally I'll be sad to leave those with whom I've developed a rapport, but will I miss my school a great deal? No. I'm not someone with a habit of shutting the door on people, places or opportunities, but I regret to say that this has proven to be an exception to the rule. It saddens me that some aren't happy with all I've tried to give this year, but that's the way it is.

It's now time to look forward with hope, rather than be weighed down by the mistakes of the past, and to also appreciate the moments of success and the progress I have achieved by coming to Spain. It's incredible to admit, but this was my first job and I doubt they'll come much more difficult than what I've been doing this year. It's also been heart-warming hearing of the successes that other Auxiliares, whom I've known from day one at University and others that I've met out here, have had. Some even want to pursue bilingual teaching as a career path, whilst others are staying on another year. Amazing stuff, and kudos to each and every one of them.

As I've already said, I've been lucky to meet some wonderful people over the course of the past nine months, who have constantly found new ways to make me smile. I'll be the first to admit that this challenge was something that I needed to take on- and not for the reasons you think. Obviously I wanted to improve linguistically, but at the same time I was trying to get away from some painful experiences that had left me feeling burned and upset with myself. Travelling to Spain and meeting new faces has been my chicken soup for the soul in that sense.

You won't find better flatmates than these two. Or a worse picture of me. Though in my defence I had just cooked dinner for the three of us...

It's also been a funny coincidence that my flatmates are also getting ready for their adventures abroad next year, in France and Germany respectively. You won't find more friendly and welcoming people than the Spanish, and I'm so lucky that I've shared accommodation with the absolute best of the bunch in Ana and Ana. Naturally I wish them every success, and rather than saying 'adios' to them, I think it'll be more 'hasta pronto'. I've already told them to let me know when they visit England.

Some doors are easily closed, but maybe they shouldn't be. I believe in second chances, whether they be in reigniting dormant friendships, picking up a forgotten hobby, or even finding love. These second chances are scarce and don't come along every day, so when they do it's up to you to reach out and grab them while you can. For that reason, you won't find me looking back bitterly on my time working out here. It's been a chance for me to wipe the slate clean, bury the emotional baggage I brought out to Spain with me and start afresh, just in time for next September.

Most importantly of all though, I've learned to appreciate the friendships of everyone whom I come across, and to not take things for granted anymore. I'm grateful to everyone for keeping in contact with me despite the lack of proactivity from my end. Because of that I've resolved to take a step back and pursue other interests and new friendships, and to work harder to maintain and improve what I already have. It's time to open my eyes and let people in. I've spent so long talking about it, willing myself to take this step. So, if anyone needs me, I'll be there. It's about time too.


'Maybe you weren't strong enough then. Maybe you are now. What was once impossible might very well be possible today. So do the impossible.'